Father I miss you,

I could not find your heart

I could feel your anger, your shame and your un-cried tears

But I could not hear your expression

Who was it for? Why did you feel that way?

I needed you to speak to me

So that I could understand those parts of me and bring them close to my heart.

Father miss you,

I could not find your heart

I could feel your disappointment and your hatred

But hear not your words

Who was it for? Why did you feel that way?

I needed you to speak to me

So that I could understand those parts of me and bring them close to my heart.

I did not fully understand the messages from your wounded unconscious

I heard only abandonment, unworthiness and sadness

I sent this discomfort to the deep dark places in me where I could not feel them,

Where they colored my thoughts grey.

I forgot them there in the ashes of my psyche,

Expelled as hot craters on my skin to be scratched open wanting to be seen.

Accepted only as another layer of an already hardened armor

Avoiding the heaviness of the pain.

I called you dad so many times

Did you not hear my cry for help?

You were holding your own pain at bay,

and could not meet mine.

I could not meet mine.

My child arms held your neck, searched your eyes for validation and held your fingers.

I searched for your hug, your warmth, your understanding to complete a void.

But you left this earth plane before I dared ask for more.

Father I miss you,

I could not find your heart

I projected fantasy onto ever masculine figure including the yang inside.

I tortured every famine impulse and silenced her intuition trying to please an impossible expectation.

I braced myself for rejection,

And built walls to keep it out and nothing came in.

Until,

My ancestors showed me their presence in a moment of surrender

Reality hit like lightning exposing the semblance of authenticity

Hi wounded masculine. I see you!

I am sorry that I ignored your creativity and your wisdom

Talk to me and I will respectfully listen as the father you never had

I want to understand your anger and frustration.

As codes untangle, the heaviest of pain melts into Mother Earth to be held and transformed

Everything softens as parts merge into new perceptions.

There is sweetness and joy there too

I remember, standing on your feet to dance.

Tears flow to cleanse the roots of distress,

Growing into insight.

I found you dad!

You were always holding my hand, weren’t you?

I am paying attention now and can even make my own dance.

Rest in light and be free.

I love you.

ALL of You.