Father I miss you

I could not find your heart

I could feel your anger, your shame and your un-cried tears,

But hear not your words

Who was it for? Why did you feel that way?

I needed you to speak to me

So that I could understand those parts of me and bring them close to my heart.

Father I miss you

I could not find your heart

I could feel your disappointment and your hatred

But hear not your words

Who was it for?

Why did you feel that way?

I needed you to speak to me

So that I could understand those parts of me and bring them close to my heart

I did not fully understand the messages from your wounded unconscious

I heard only abandonment, unworthiness and sadness

I sent this pain to the deep dark places in me where I could not feel them either.

Where they also colored my thoughts grey

I forgot them there in the ashes of my psyche.

Expelled as hot craters on my skin to be scratched open wanting to be seen

Accepted only as another layer of an already hardened armor

Avoiding the heaviness of the pain,

I called you dad so many times

Did you not hear my cry for help?

You were holding your own pain at bay,

and could not meet mine

I could not meet mine

My child arms held your neck, searched your eyes for validation and held your fingers

I searched for your hug, your warmth, your understanding to complete me.

But you left this earth place before I dared to ask for more

Father I miss you

I could not find your heart

I projected fantasy onto every masculine figure including the yang inside

I tortured every feminine impulse and silenced her intuition

I braced myself for rejection

And built walls to keep it out and nothing came in

Until my ancestors showed me their presence in a moment of surrender

Reality hit like lighting

Hi wounded masculine. I see you.

I am sorry that I ignored your creativity and your wisdom

Talk to me and I will listen as the father you never had

I want to understand your anger and frustration

As codes untangle, the heaviest of pain melts into Mother Earth to be held and transformed

Everything softens as parts merge into new perceptions

There is sweetness and joy there too

I remember, standing on your feet to dance

Tears flow to cleanse the roots of distress

Growing into insight

Father I missed you

I could not find your heart

I felt your anger, your shame, your disappointment your hatred and your tears as mine

I heard the story and felt the feelings

I needed you to speak to me

So I could understand those parts of myself and bring them close to my heart

I found you dad

You were always holding my hand weren’t you

I am paying attention now and can even make my own dance

Rest in light and be free

I love you. ALL of you.